Love = Fear

It was a large gathering - the kind hotel ballrooms were made for, and the kind that no one seems to enjoy - where I encountered a philosophy that has come to define my thinking.

I was there representing the American Cancer Society; it was a convention about smoke free ordinances, and the man speaking was from the Restaurant and Bar Beverage License Holders of Minnesota 1 . He was bravely (considering his audience) arguing against limiting the use of tobacco in eating and drinking establishments. This is what he said: "The way I see it, you can make decisions out of fear, or you can make them out of love."

It stood out to me because it wasn't the usual message-wheel bullshit both sides were constantly reciting. But I didn't quite understand the context. Was he saying those who wanted to prohibit smoking were acting out of fear? Sure they were. They were scared of getting cancer. But weren't they also working out of love? Love for the employees who had to suffer the second-hand smoke? Love for the health of family and friends? And was this guy's organization any better? Sure, he could say that they were being positive, just letting people make their own decisions. But I'm guessing fear of losing smoker business was a bit more of a factor in their opposition.

Even if it was an odd and ultimately flawed way to make a point, you can't deny that this guy had stumbled upon a definite truth. Have you seen those bumper stickers that read, "Love > Fear"? I like the idea, but I think the truth is closer to "Love = Fear".

The superhero Daredevil is billed as "The Man Without Fear". The character is blind, and yet performs feats of acrobatic crimefighting. But with his extra radioactively-induced senses he's not really risking that much more than you or me. And anyone who has read his stories, knows Matt Murdoch is not fearless. Green Lantern, on the other hand, is portrayed as a truly fearless man. In fact, that lack of trepidation is what led him to be chosen to wield the magical ring that gives him his powers. Recent stories have explored what kind of man really has no fear, and what kind of decisions that would lead him to make. So far, it doesn't seem his life is all that much the better for it.

So is being fearless something we should strive for? Buddhist belief says that suffering comes from desire and attachment. Aren't those just other forms of fear? Fear of not getting what you want? Fear of losing what you have?

We all know people who have gotten more conservative as they've gotten older. The saying goes, "If you're under 30 and a Republican you have no heart. If you're over 40 and a Democrat you have no brain."2 Funny stuff, but seriously, what would explain such a drastic change in views? Does accumulated life experience make everything narrower? Or is it the fact that as one gets older one gets used to the way things are, and therefore has more to lose?

While we're on the topic of Republicans, the current Bush administration has made the best use of fear since Marty McFly pretended to be Darth Vader and got George to ask Lorriane to the Under The Sea dance. The terrorist attacks on September 11, 2001 presented the perfect opportunity to get everyone whipped into a frenzy. The administration played on every fear of losing our safety. And it continues six years later. What was the justification for attacking Iraq? They've got weapons of mass destruction! What is the justification for staying there? If we leave the region will destabilize and democracy will stop its march. 3

I'll admit, sometimes fear is fun, like a good scary movie, or when you pretend someone is following you up the stairs and you try to race them into the apartment and close the door before they can get you. And, of course, fear is necessary. If you were fearless, what would stop you from driving drunk, 90 mph on school days when children are present? What would stop you from eating that furry cheese you forgot was in the dairy compartment? Some fear is necessary for societal order and safety. Some fear is just plain old good sense.

But should it inform our lives the way it does?

We put fear into many guises. Jealousy is fear, a fear that someone likes someone else more than you or has something better than you, a fear that you'll never have it as good. Worrying is a less-intense, more constant form of fear. If I worry about being late, it's because I fear the consequences. I'm scared of making my friends wait, of missing the beginning of the movie, or getting in trouble with my boss. Nervousness is the same thing, maybe a precursor to worry, but definitely related.

Fear is the great character test. People will make wonderful or horrible decisions in the face of it. Consider the mother who risks her life to save her child's. Consider the high level executive who covers his own mistakes regardless of who it affects. One could even argue that religion is sought out of fear, fear of meaninglessness, of loved ones being gone forever, of no life after death.

At the same time I think about what that man from the Restaurant and Bar Beverage License Holders of Minnesota said, and how his point was so easily obscured.

Could it be that there's not really a difference between decisions made out of love and decisions made out of fear, that it's all in how you justify it to yourself? Consider the example of religion. Is it really a search for something to make you less scared, or is it a search for love? What about life insurance? Is it fear of your family having nothing, or loving them so much that you want to provide for them when you are gone? And watering the lawn? Is it fear of an ugly brown yard, or love of a lush green yard? These are fine lines.

And nearly everything is like that, when you break it down to the fundamentals. Take the ultimate fear: Grim death. Yes, we fear it because it's the end, because it might be painful and because we don't know what comes next. But we also fear it because we cherish our life and the people in it, and we can't bear to lose that.

If that isn't love, I don't know what is.

1. An approximation of the actual name.
2. I guess ages 31 - 39 get a free pass either way.
3. Wait, didn't that already happen? Oops!